Because We're Still Family

Jay P. Jensen, Ph.D.

For the past several years we have watched our families, and the well-being of individual family members, be adversely affected by societal changes.  In response, many of us draw our families nearer in an effort to prevent negative influence from outside.  But we often despair over the ruinous influence societal change is having on our family relationships, and there is no shortage of worry over what we can do to protect them.

Clearly the greatest threat to our family is divorce.  We all know that divorce hurts children, but few people comprehend how, and to what extent it hurts them, and what can be done...what we each personally can do to help them.

In this article we invite you to:

1. become more aware of how divorce hurts children,
2. sense the need for action, and
3. learn how you can join with us in applying solutions to the variety of problems associated with divorce.

To more fully comprehend the gravity of the present situation and the plight of children, as well as to understand the remedies to these problems, a brief historical perspective is provided.

The Divorce Revolution

Divorce has become a part of everyday life in America.  It is embedded within our laws and institutions, our manners and mores, our movies and television programs, our novels and children's storybooks, and our closest and most important relationships.  It's normalization has almost made it invisible as a significant influence in our daily lives.  It is so pervasive that we naturally assume that it became part of our cultural mainstream over a long period of time.  To the contrary, divorce became a part of American life as a revolution...taking hold in less than two decades' time.

At the turn of the twentieth century divorce occurred at the rate of 3 per thousand married couples.  By 1960 the rate had climbed to a modest 9 per thousand married couples.  Beginning in the late-sixties and ending in 1979, divorces jumped to the rate of 22 per thousand married couples.  Before 1960, one child in nine saw his or her parents disunited.  By 1980 the number had risen to one child in three.  The absolute number of children thus affected grew to the point that since 1974 over one million children annually saw their parents divorce.

In 1969 new 'no-fault' divorce statues spread across the nation.  This event reflected societal changes and resulted in dramatic increases in marital dissolution.  Attitudes concerning marriage and family were being revolutionized to accommodate change from an ethic of obligation to others, toward an orientation to one's individual needs and interests.  Once regarded mainly as a social, legal, and family event in which there were other stakeholders, divorce now became an event closely linked to the pursuit of individual satisfaction, opportunities, and personal growth.  it was anticipated that if parents could be happier and more fulfilled personally, then their children would similarly benefit.  Right or wrong, during the 1970's and 80's the idea of staying together for the sake of the children gave way to a new belief--that unhappily married persons should not stay together for the children's sake.

The shift toward greater concern with parental satisfaction had one unexpected and perverse consequence.  Once parents where relieved of the obligation to preserve their marriage for the children's sake, they were also relived of the obligation to conduct their divorces with their children's best interests in mind.  Thus, children were essentially disenfranchised not only as stakeholders in their parents marriage but also as interested and potentially injured parties in their parents divorces.  (Whitehead, B., The Divorce Culture (1996), Knopf)

Before 1970, judges handled divorce as 'finders of fact.'  They had the responsibility of hearing evidence and judiciously determine which of the parents were responsible for the marital breakup.  Once the rules for divorce changed and 'fault' was no longer an issue in determining outcome, our legal system found itself in a role disharmonious with its fundamental purpose as 'finders of fact' and a new demand for 'case manager/judge' emerged.  Once a judge with specific legal training, now a case manager without any specialized training in a child's best interests.  The problem of an 'inappropriate fit' between the courts and the families they served became particularly awful as a result of the explosion of divorce and the number of children thus involved had tripled.  Nevertheless, the courts proceeded to apply their traditional adversarial system in deciding which parent was more important to a child and which parent was expendable.  The adversarial approach used by lawyers and judges intensified the hostilities between divorcing parents as they became absorbed in their litigation.  Because the system they had entered was adversarial rather than collaborative or solution-focused, the children's interests and hope for resolution dwindled into discouragement and anger as they observed their parents relationship become hopelessly acrimonious--often far more contentious than during the marriage.

Children's Excruciating Experience

In the mid to late 80's, the results of the divorce revolution began revealing themselves to social scientists.  Early reports suggested children were not doing so well.  Later, researchers became unequivocal in the identification of a consistent set of problems evident in children from broken homes.  Divorce, once regarded as a single traumatic event transient in the lives of children, is now considered a lifestyle change with repercussions to be experienced for a lifetime.  For many it is more like a chronic illness which intensifies and declines depending on the circumstances and the demands placed on them.  These children face life's hardships with additional burdens which handicap their development into adulthood.  They are not permitted to move on with their lives unencumbered.  Instead they live much of their lives as servility to their parents' decision to divorce.

The loss of loved ones is the excruciating experience of divorce for children.  Nearly 30 percent of children suffer the total loss of a parent following divorce.  Sometimes the loss is sudden and traumatic.  At times the loss is a gradual fading away.  Frequently, parents are pre-occupied with their conflict, or coping with the dramatic changes to their lives, and are thereby lost to their children.  Often the children lose opportunities to experience the love and involvement of extended family:  grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, step-siblings, etc.  The abundant resources (emotional and financial) and hope which once accompanied the child's birth, drain away from children through no fault of their own.  No matter how it occurs, this loss supplies a malicious legacy for innocent victims to overcome.

Over a quarter of divorces are described as "permanently conflicted."  Children from these homes experience the abuse of frequent and repeated litigation between parents, and daily exposure to hostile expressions.  They are faced wit the constant worry of betraying one parent or the other as they transition between homes unfriendly to one another.  Loyalty conflicts, family contention, hostility, resentment, and enormous uncertainty result in lives filled with haunting questions:

• "Did I make daddy go away?"
• "Why can't you get back together?"
• "What did I do wrong?"
• "If you loved each other, then why can't you get along?"
• "If you love me so much, then why did you leave me?"
• "How do you really feel about me?"
• "Who can I trust?"

The effects of divorce are felt by a greater number of children than any other adversity.  Yet, they are not the only ones suffering the effects of failed marriage.  our society has acquired a calloused response to divorce, accepting it as both inevitable and necessary.  While divorce may indeed be an inevitability (and at times an important remedy to a destructive marriage), it is not time to raise the white flag of surrender to such a ruinous social trend.  We must act to remedy its frequency and its destructive influence to both the individual and society...as has been done with other social problems:  smoking, substance abuse, alcoholism, child abuse, and domestic violence to name a few.

We must not surrender to the break up of families, not only for the sake of the children, but also for the well-being of our society.  As our community experiences the consequence of an annual accumulation of children from broken homes (each year over 4,000 in the Utah County area), we witness an increase in childhood mental illness, teen pregnancy, drug abuse, delinquency, gang membership, anger, and acts of aggression.  A host of additional economic problems also accompany divorce and single parenthood for families, employers, and taxpayers.

Many conclude there is little hope for children facing the break-up of the family.  We conclude differently.  Hopelessness is a product of idleness.  The Family Academy provides positive action--hope.

The Family Academy

The Family Academy is a non-profit family service organization developed specifically for the purposes outlined above.  We are dedicated to strengthening families and preserving the integrity of relationships.  We have only one purpose:  To prevent the disintegration of society...one child, one family, one classroom, and one community at a time.  We are convinced preventative efforts within the family will save countless lives - a changed legacy for each individual.

In the past 8 years, over 2,000 children, their parents, stepparents and extended family have received our services - hope.  We have prevented loss of parents to children, exposure of children to contention has been reduced, resources to children have increased, resolutions between warring parties have been facilitated, and more peaceful interactions within families have been established.  Furthermore, we have presented Adult Roles classes in local high schools where hundreds of young adults have been educated by volunteer attorneys, judges, and counselors to the realities of marriage, divorce, spouse selection, and legal obligations associated with relationships.  We have engaged in education of mental health professionals, attorneys, judges, lawmakers and the public.  In Utah there has been no other direct service entity dedicated to solving the problems which result from divorced and parental loss. 

But much more needs to be done.

While many children and families have received our services over the past eight years, each year nearly 4,000 additional children in the Utah County area are experiencing the traumatic effects of divorce.  The unfortunate truth is that many more children than those currently assisted by The Family Academy are suffering from the loss and active love and nurturing of one, or both parents.  With the loss of parents it is also common to lose the ties, involvement, and resources which come from extended family, siblings and friends.

While some parents seek help from counselors to prevent the break up of their family, few divorcing parents seek appropriate help to protect their families from the injuries which follow the break up.  Unfortunately, throughout the lengthy divorce process, families' limited resources are spent fueling the conflict through traditional adversarial processes...rather than healing it.  Furthermore, income which once supported one household must now support two.  With parents misdirected, and financial resources depleted, children are cast adrift with few financial and emotional resources to aid them.

What Needs to be Done?

Early Identification and Outreach to Families at Crucial Decision Points.  First and foremost we must not shy away from the enormous task of supporting families.  All families, all marriages, experience hardships throughout their life-span.  Frequently when hardships occur, marital partners/family members either redouble their efforts to strengthen their ties, or they distance themselves.  It is at these crucial decision points that help is most needed.

Media Intervention and Resource Awareness.  We are bombarded by illusions and untruths about relationships, marriage, divorce, and family every day in the media.  There is unfortunately little else to which we are exposed which counterbalances the effects of the untruths enacted in the media.  it is our view that the divorce culture which has taken hold of our community will require a deliberate effort in the mass media to effect change.  This effort should encourage an orientation to marriage and family and the needs of children.  It should dispel the myths and illusions about breaking up a family.  It should encourage careful reflection about the harsh realities of divorce; and since families remain families even when they experience divorce or a loss of it's members, it should encourage divorce behavior which will be less harmful to its members.  Media intervention may also be the only effective way of alerting maritally distressed families of needed help before their conflicts erode into hardened positions which are contrary to the overall interest of the family.  This new media based education will point families to community resources which can help them.

Direct Services to Families, Children, and the Court.  Most specifically:  a community resource agency and website which maintains an understanding of the developmental nature of the family.  An agency which can be relied upon to educate the public, the legal system, and the mental health community as well as directly provide programs for families in need.  An agency which provides:

1. divorce prevention programs including:
   • pre-marital marriage education
   • families-at-risk interventions (pre-divorce education, parent education, resource referral, counseling)
2. services which influence a more constructive divorce process (various forms of alternative dispute resolution, therapeutic mediation), and
3. services which reduce the effects of destructive divorce processes on children
   • third-party exchange
   • supervised parent time
   • parent  coordination
   • counseling

Service providers must be thoroughly trained and knowledgeable of the specific needs of families embroiled in divorce disputes, as well as a trusted provider within the legal community.  Unfortunately, this training and specialized knowledge does not occur unless it is sought out by individual service providers.

Influencing Change with Future Generations.  Careful attention must be paid to the developing values and attitudes of young people as it concerns marriage and divorce.  Effort should be provided in our public schools to teach young people concerning legal and moral obligations of marriage, families and children.

Alteration of Systems Managing Divorcing Families.  Specific attention must be given to the antiquated system which "helps" families caught in the middle of hardship and divorce.  Counselors must be educated concerning families in transition from marriage to divorce.  The legal system must be modified to encourage a non-adversarial process...a process which will not exacerbate the hardship to families and which will not contribute to a loss of loved ones to children.

You Can Make a Difference

As indicated earlier, the current problem has resulted from a sudden explosion of divorce within a system which has been unprepared and ill-equipped to handle it.  A significant change can be achieved with focused effort to identify people early, intervene to save families; and when divorce occurs, assist families toward a more functional, less destructive solution than the one currently enacted in the legal system.

Decreasing the frequency of divorce, saving families, preventing heartbreak and unnecessary loss are lofty goals.  But they are goals which can be achieved.  They are goals which are being achieved with hundreds of families now.  But compared to the annual accumulation of new families broken in our system, we are losing the battle.  our impact will be much greater as our numbers increase and as our efforts are systematic and coordinated.

You can make a difference in the lives of children.  You can help prevent and alleviate the harm that inevitably follows the break-up of family and loss of parents.  By voluntarily choosing to partnership with The Family Academy, together we can change lives for the better.  There are a wide range of opportunities for partnership, for coordinated effort.  There are  numerous ways in which together we will save families...save lives!

1. A large scale awareness campaign conducted primarily through television and radio.  This campaign will remind people of family commitments, and educate the public on the damage of divorce.  The media campaign will point directly to a web-site and community resource agency.
2. Websites for adults and children will be developed.  The website will be both educational and a source of service delivery.  A children's website which will allow for expression of feelings, understanding the divorce, etc.  The websites will offer links to important community resources which share the philosophy and approaches of the Family Academy.
3. Expansion of direct service delivery.  The current Family Academy service providers are able to help approximately 500 children annually.  It is, at best, only a fraction of children in need, and only one-eighth of the yearly increase of children newly impacted by divorce.  The demand challenges our ability to fully service families whose financial resources are already challenged.
   
   There are families who are financially able, or have resources with which to pay for some of the services we provide.  The majority of those served, however, are only capable of paying a portion of the cost or nothing at all.  At this point, the service requirements are extensive and require the frequent involvement of counselors with many individuals within the family.  Regardless of their parents' ability to pay, we choose to serve all children in need of our services.
4. Coordination of professionals in a voluntary effort with high school students to teach them about legal responsibilities of relationships, mate selection, and the realities of divorce.  The intent of this program is to begin reversing the effects of the divorce culture on young people and to reshape values concerning family commitments.
5. Modification of the current traditions, rules and legal strategies which accompany divorce.  A triage and case manager model can be used within the current system to better serve the needs of children and families.  Costs can be reduced and better forms of dispute resolution can be implemented.
6. Training of professionals.  Education of mental health professionals, and the legal community into a system which is less adversarial, less expensive, and protective of children's interests.  Counselors who have not succeeded in saving a marriage, can learn to shift the focus of service delivery or learn to refer a family to service providers who are participants in a system which promotes child welfare.
7. Building partnerships with organizations, clubs, agencies, and businesses to expand the resources and sponsorship of children at risk into constructive activities:  athletics, dance, music, etc.  to increase the resources available to them.

To facilitate your partnership with The Family Academy, we have established The Children Count Endowment (a five million dollar fund).  This endowment will allow for implementation of the awareness campaign, expansion of services to more children and families, as well as bridge the gap between service costs and a families ability to pay.  We invite your alliance with us in building this endowment.  Would you please do so by:

• Recognizing the effect the divorce culture is having on the families and children in your community,
• Seeking to understand what is and can be done together with the Family Academy to help to made a difference,
• Considering how your interests and abilities can be shared in a coordinated effort with the Family Academy,
• Discussing with your financial partners what you can afford to share,
• Voluntarily reaching out to these children by sharing your financial resources in funding The Children County Endowment.
• Encouraging others to join together with us in organized, deliberate effort to save families

Together our efforts on behalf of families and children bring hope for a future of happiness, versus an increase in despair: mental illness, teen pregnancy, drug abuse, delinquency, gang membership, aggression, and additional divorce - hopelessness.  You can act to change; even save, the life of a child.  Our efforts will have multiplicative effects generationally as we dedicate ourselves to deliberate, organized effort on behalf of each child, each family, each classroom, and each community.